These last few days have sucked. Bentley has been a constant on my mind, not that he is not on my mind a lot throughout the day, but I had gotten to the point where I could think of him and smile sometimes and not cry every time I talked about him. Now, I am back to holding my tears in and feeling like I am going to explode. I thought maybe I was progressing a little in my grief and now I feel like I have taken ten steps back. All I do is think of him and it's hard to think of anything else. I look at your Ayden and think of him, how I will never get to see Bentley experience the things he is. I will never see him at six years old. Ayden is hurting too and I feel so guilty. I feel as though I did this to him...I did this to us. I need to be able to blame something or someone for your death and there is nothing or no one but myself to blame. I just can't figure out what I did...I thought I was doing everything right. The ugly blame game, only I'm playing alone.
Last night while walking through Target we had to walk by the baby section. I do as I always do and put my "blinders" on. I look straight ahead and breath deeply. I pray that there won't be a reason for me to have to stop and I move as fast as I can down the aisle. I had Ayden with me and I just hoped his little feet would keep up because I was moving a fast. I was almost in the clear and I realize Ayden is not next to me anymore. Of course I began to panic because I know I have to look back...I take my trusty blinders off and force myself to look back and there he was in the baby section holding a baby blue outfit and looking as if he was about to cry. I think at that moment my heart broke a little more, if that's at all possible. I walked over him, reminding myself to keep breathing. He looks up to me with the saddest blue eyes and tells me how cute Bentley would have looked in the outfit. He reached out and rubbed a few other outfits that he liked and told me how sometimes when he sees baby boy clothes they make him feel better and other times they make him feel sad. Holding back the tears I told Ayden that it was okay to feel the way he was feeling and that looking at the baby boy clothes made me sad too. Part of me wanted to buy that outfit just because Ayden had envisioned Bentley in it and how he held it tight in his little hand and rubbed it with his other just broke my heart. After leaving the store and getting to the car Ayden looks up to the sky, as we often do, and finds Bentley's star. As Ayden is looking up at the star he says, "Bentley sure is a lucky boy being up there in the sky with all of those beautiful stars." I hope Bentley Layne knows he had the best big brother in the whole entire world. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think of his baby brother. He has such a kind, sweet little heart and I know that Bentley is watching over him.
Missing you always, Bentley Layne.
