Struggling

The questions in my head will never go away. Sometimes I feel like they are going to swallow me whole, consume me completely. I have so many questions, so many 'what ifs' and so many things that I wish that I would have done before I let your little lifeless body go. Why did this happen? If you were delivered earlier would you be with us now? Were you in pain? Did you try to let me know that you were dying? I wish I would've known that the last movement that I felt from you was going to be your last. Did you wonder why I didn't save you? God, I hope you know that I would've done anything to save you. Anything.....
 I didn't take a photo of your feet, I never even saw them. I wish I would've dressed you instead of the nurse, I wish I would have held your hand and kissed you more. Instead I held you tight, crying and praying to God for a miracle. I prayed that your little heart would start beating again, but my prayers were not answered and this is what I am left with. I am left with the heartache of losing a child, emptiness, aching arms and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that I cannot go back and change a thing about what happened, but for the rest of my life I will live wishing that I could. For the rest of my life I will live feeling like I failed you. My body failed me and I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you. I should have known that something was wrong. I am so sorry. I should have known.....
I hope you know how much I loved you and how much I still do love you. You are my forever baby, Bentley.
xoxo

How can it be a Happy New Year without you?

I can't. I won't. I cannot celebrate a new year beginning without you because even though I will never forget you or leave you behind I still feel like leaving 2013 behind is leaving a part of you behind. It is the year that you were born, born quiet and still. The year we expected you, our second born. The year things were beginning to look up and get better for us. The year that you should have come home. The year that I should have been able to enjoy every moment of you and every second of being your mommy. Now, 2013 will forever be the year that I lost you and every year preceding that will just be another year that I have survived without you. Another year that I will be missing you.  

Most people would look at a new year as a way to start over fresh, to just hope for a better year. They look forward to leaving behind all of the bad things that happened in the past year and think of all of the things they can accomplish in the upcoming year. Even though what happened to you was tragic and I would love to hope for a better year to come, I can't. I'm not ready to leave 2013 behind and start a new year. I'm still stuck. Stuck in that hospital room hearing the doctor tell us that there was no heart beat. I am still grieving you and I know I always will.

The second the ball dropped and the clock struck 12:00 I was so overcome with sadness. I cried. I have no choice but to leave 2013 behind, but I will not leave you behind. I will never leave you behind my sweet, precious baby boy <3

I love you & miss you so much, Bentley Layne. XOXO