Struggling

The questions in my head will never go away. Sometimes I feel like they are going to swallow me whole, consume me completely. I have so many questions, so many 'what ifs' and so many things that I wish that I would have done before I let your little lifeless body go. Why did this happen? If you were delivered earlier would you be with us now? Were you in pain? Did you try to let me know that you were dying? I wish I would've known that the last movement that I felt from you was going to be your last. Did you wonder why I didn't save you? God, I hope you know that I would've done anything to save you. Anything.....
 I didn't take a photo of your feet, I never even saw them. I wish I would've dressed you instead of the nurse, I wish I would have held your hand and kissed you more. Instead I held you tight, crying and praying to God for a miracle. I prayed that your little heart would start beating again, but my prayers were not answered and this is what I am left with. I am left with the heartache of losing a child, emptiness, aching arms and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that I cannot go back and change a thing about what happened, but for the rest of my life I will live wishing that I could. For the rest of my life I will live feeling like I failed you. My body failed me and I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you. I should have known that something was wrong. I am so sorry. I should have known.....
I hope you know how much I loved you and how much I still do love you. You are my forever baby, Bentley.
xoxo