I can't. I won't. I cannot celebrate a new year beginning without you because even though I will never forget you or leave you behind I still feel like leaving 2013 behind is leaving a part of you behind. It is the year that you were born, born quiet and still. The year we expected you, our second born. The year things were beginning to look up and get better for us. The year that you should have come home. The year that I should have been able to enjoy every moment of you and every second of being your mommy. Now, 2013 will forever be the year that I lost you and every year preceding that will just be another year that I have survived without you. Another year that I will be missing you.
Most people would look at a new year as a way to start over fresh, to just hope for a better year. They look forward to leaving behind all of the bad things that happened in the past year and think of all of the things they can accomplish in the upcoming year. Even though what happened to you was tragic and I would love to hope for a better year to come, I can't. I'm not ready to leave 2013 behind and start a new year. I'm still stuck. Stuck in that hospital room hearing the doctor tell us that there was no heart beat. I am still grieving you and I know I always will.
The second the ball dropped and the clock struck 12:00 I was so overcome with sadness. I cried. I have no choice but to leave 2013 behind, but I will not leave you behind. I will never leave you behind my sweet, precious baby boy <3
I love you & miss you so much, Bentley Layne. XOXO
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