Your 1st Christmas

My Sweet Bentley,

Your big brother woke me up this morning, so excited to see if Santa came and what gifts he had brought. I have to be honest and say that the first thing I thought about was you. How the one thing I wanted from Santa would not be waiting under the tree for me. I bet you know what Mommy hoped for...it was you! Only you. That shouldn't be too much to ask for, right? After all I am your Mommy. Even if it was just for one more day. I would hold you and never let you go. I would tell you that I love you until I was blue in the face.

I think all of the things that you would have experienced on you 1st Christmas. You would be too little to open gifts or enjoy the wrapping paper. so I imagine your sweet eyes mesmerized by all of the lights. I think of all of the people who would have spoiled you this Christmas and all of the hugs and kisses you would've gotten. All of the love you would've felt.

I hope you saw last night, Christmas Eve, all of the people that gathered at your grave to remember you on Christmas. The candles we lit and some of the 'Acts of Kindness' that were done to honor you. It sure let me know that people are thinking of you and remembering you.

I hope that your 1st Christmas in Heaven is as perfect as you are. I miss you my baby and love you so so much!

Merry Christmas

HUGS & KISSES,
Mommy

Absent

I miss Bentley so much. I think of him all of the time. I'm sorry if you're tired of my posts about him...no, I take that back I'm not sorry. He is my son, I have 2. One living and one watching over me from heaven. My heart has been broken since we found out that he wasn't coming home, but with the holidays here I am left with such an aching in my heart. I didn’t think the pain could get worse, but it has, with each passing holiday I think about how we would have spent it with 2 sons.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I would much rather stay in the bed with the covers over my head. Pretend it is just another day. I will get up and try to be excited for Ayden, but he will know that I am sad because his brother isn’t here with us. He will know that it is okay for me to be sad and that if (when) I cry that it is because I am missing Bentley. Ayden will know that I may need to spend some of Christmas alone, so that I can cry and think of Bentley, my perfect boy. I cannot and won’t pretend that Bentley never existed because he did. Even though he never took a breath outside of my womb, he existed, and while some may try and act like he didn’t he will always be part of our family. You don’t have to talk about him, but I am going to talk about him often. I am going to keep his memory alive. FOREVER.

I think about how Christmas is just a few days away and I cringe and my stomach feels like someone is wringing it out like a wet washcloth. I am in no way in the mood to celebrate anything. I think about how happy and thankful I would be if Bentley were here. I would feel complete. Our family would be complete, but it’s not. Our family is lacking someone small, but so special. I find myself wondering if he would have loved staring at the lights on the Christmas tree and watching his brother open presents. He would have been just shy of being 3 months old.

Yesterday, we were at Target, we try to avoid going by the baby aisles, but sometimes we have to and we walked by the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. Oh, how I wish my Bentley was here. It took everything I had to hold it together. Part of me still wanted to buy an outfit, the cute little reindeer booties, or a hat for him and now I wish I would have. Something to hold on to, to remember his first Christmas in heaven. His memory is alive in our home with photos of him and all of the beautiful ornaments that family and friends have given to us and it means the world to me that people are thinking about Bentley. I know that the holidays get crazy and hectic and even so, people are thinking of my sweet boy.

Bentley Layne, Mommy loves you. Everytime I look into the sky and see a star I think of you. Everytime I light a candle it is for you. Everytime I hear a wind chime I think of you. I think of you often. I think of you always. I miss you.

Your Resting Place

The day your headstone finally came in I was just a little happy or maybe relieved that you would finally have a resting area that was fit for a baby that is as special as you are. I came to visit you the afternoon before it was put in and when I pulled up to 'The Garden of Angels' they had already gotten your plot ready (dug up) to put your headstone down. I sat there by your grave and cried...I cried because I thought about how close your body was to me and I actually thought about using my hands to dig you up. I wanted to hold you just one more time.
I woke up the next morning and we got ready to go watch the groundskeeper put your headstone down and decorate it for Christmas. Arriving there I tried to keep myself calm and busy so that my emotions wouldn't get the best of me. Once I saw the tractor coming with your headstone I knew I wasn't going to be able to control my emotions anymore. I cried and for the first time since you have been gone it was tears of happiness and sadness because you had a proper resting place and a beautiful headstone that we cold decorate each month in remembrance of you.
You are so missed my baby and always will be. Mommy loves you, Bentley ~ XOXO