Absent

I miss Bentley so much. I think of him all of the time. I'm sorry if you're tired of my posts about him...no, I take that back I'm not sorry. He is my son, I have 2. One living and one watching over me from heaven. My heart has been broken since we found out that he wasn't coming home, but with the holidays here I am left with such an aching in my heart. I didn’t think the pain could get worse, but it has, with each passing holiday I think about how we would have spent it with 2 sons.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I would much rather stay in the bed with the covers over my head. Pretend it is just another day. I will get up and try to be excited for Ayden, but he will know that I am sad because his brother isn’t here with us. He will know that it is okay for me to be sad and that if (when) I cry that it is because I am missing Bentley. Ayden will know that I may need to spend some of Christmas alone, so that I can cry and think of Bentley, my perfect boy. I cannot and won’t pretend that Bentley never existed because he did. Even though he never took a breath outside of my womb, he existed, and while some may try and act like he didn’t he will always be part of our family. You don’t have to talk about him, but I am going to talk about him often. I am going to keep his memory alive. FOREVER.

I think about how Christmas is just a few days away and I cringe and my stomach feels like someone is wringing it out like a wet washcloth. I am in no way in the mood to celebrate anything. I think about how happy and thankful I would be if Bentley were here. I would feel complete. Our family would be complete, but it’s not. Our family is lacking someone small, but so special. I find myself wondering if he would have loved staring at the lights on the Christmas tree and watching his brother open presents. He would have been just shy of being 3 months old.

Yesterday, we were at Target, we try to avoid going by the baby aisles, but sometimes we have to and we walked by the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. Oh, how I wish my Bentley was here. It took everything I had to hold it together. Part of me still wanted to buy an outfit, the cute little reindeer booties, or a hat for him and now I wish I would have. Something to hold on to, to remember his first Christmas in heaven. His memory is alive in our home with photos of him and all of the beautiful ornaments that family and friends have given to us and it means the world to me that people are thinking about Bentley. I know that the holidays get crazy and hectic and even so, people are thinking of my sweet boy.

Bentley Layne, Mommy loves you. Everytime I look into the sky and see a star I think of you. Everytime I light a candle it is for you. Everytime I hear a wind chime I think of you. I think of you often. I think of you always. I miss you.