Blinders

These last few days have sucked. Bentley has been a constant on my mind, not that he is not on my mind a lot throughout the day, but I had gotten to the point where I could think of him and smile sometimes and not cry every time I talked about him. Now, I am back to holding my tears in and feeling like I am going to explode. I thought maybe I was progressing a little in my grief and now I feel like I have taken ten steps back. All I do is think of him and it's hard to think of anything else. I look at your Ayden and think of him, how I will never get to see Bentley experience the things he is. I will never see him at six years old. Ayden is hurting too and I feel so guilty. I feel as though I did this to him...I did this to us. I need to be able to blame something or someone for your death and there is nothing or no one but myself to blame. I just can't figure out what I did...I thought I was doing everything right. The ugly blame game, only I'm playing alone.

Last night while walking through Target we had to walk by the baby section. I do as I always do and put my "blinders" on. I look straight ahead and breath deeply. I pray that there won't be a reason for me to have to stop and I move as fast as I can down the aisle. I had Ayden with me and I just hoped his little feet would keep up because I was moving a fast. I was almost in the clear and I realize Ayden is not next to me anymore. Of course I began to panic because I know I have to look back...I take my trusty blinders off and force myself to look back and there he was in the baby section holding a baby blue outfit and looking as if he was about to cry. I think at that moment my heart broke a little more, if that's at all possible. I walked over him, reminding myself to keep breathing. He looks up to me with the saddest blue eyes and tells me how cute Bentley would have looked in the outfit. He reached out and rubbed a few other outfits that he liked and told me how sometimes when he sees baby boy clothes they make him feel better and other times they make him feel sad. Holding back the tears I told Ayden that it was okay to feel the way he was feeling and that looking at the baby boy clothes made me sad too. Part of me wanted to buy that outfit just because Ayden had envisioned Bentley in it and how he held it tight in his little hand and rubbed it with his other just broke my heart. After leaving the store and getting to the car Ayden looks up to the sky, as we often do, and finds Bentley's star. As Ayden is looking up at the star he says, "Bentley sure is a lucky boy being up there in the sky with all of those beautiful stars." I hope Bentley Layne knows he had the best big brother in the whole entire world. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think of  his baby brother. He has such a kind, sweet little heart and I know that Bentley is watching over him.

Missing you always, Bentley Layne.

6 months

Today (March 30, 2014) you turned 6 months old, so to celebrate your half birthday we released balloons at your resting place, we burned a candle all day for you. I imagined what you would be doing at this age, who you would look like, what type of personality you would have, so many things ran through my mind.

We remembered you, Bentley Layne (and we always will!)

To my surprise the day wasn't as rough as I had thought it would be. I think I worked myself up so much knowing that it was approaching and I was just really expecting to just be a complete mess all day, but I think I had a harder time in the days approaching it rather than the actual day itself. It definitely was not the easiest of days, but I chose to really sit and think of the memories I have of you. Your hiccups, you had them at least twice a day everyday, I remember watching my belly jump over and over again, I even caught it on video. I remember how you would kick and as soon as your Daddy would put his hand on my belly you would stop. When your big brother would talk to you in my belly you would move around and kick, you recognized his voice even more than mine I think. Ayden and you already had such an unbreakable bond. You gave the ultrasound techs such a hard time - you did not want your picture taken and you did not want to be monitored. We were sure that we were going to have our hands full (little did we know we'd never get the chance).

Six months ago you were born still and quiet, but perfect in every way. That day my life was turned upside down, but I am choosing to live for you. I am choosing to carry on for you, your big brother and for your Daddy. We all love and miss you so much, Bentley Layne. I hope you had a happy half birthday my precious boy.

Struggling

The questions in my head will never go away. Sometimes I feel like they are going to swallow me whole, consume me completely. I have so many questions, so many 'what ifs' and so many things that I wish that I would have done before I let your little lifeless body go. Why did this happen? If you were delivered earlier would you be with us now? Were you in pain? Did you try to let me know that you were dying? I wish I would've known that the last movement that I felt from you was going to be your last. Did you wonder why I didn't save you? God, I hope you know that I would've done anything to save you. Anything.....
 I didn't take a photo of your feet, I never even saw them. I wish I would've dressed you instead of the nurse, I wish I would have held your hand and kissed you more. Instead I held you tight, crying and praying to God for a miracle. I prayed that your little heart would start beating again, but my prayers were not answered and this is what I am left with. I am left with the heartache of losing a child, emptiness, aching arms and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that I cannot go back and change a thing about what happened, but for the rest of my life I will live wishing that I could. For the rest of my life I will live feeling like I failed you. My body failed me and I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you. I should have known that something was wrong. I am so sorry. I should have known.....
I hope you know how much I loved you and how much I still do love you. You are my forever baby, Bentley.
xoxo

How can it be a Happy New Year without you?

I can't. I won't. I cannot celebrate a new year beginning without you because even though I will never forget you or leave you behind I still feel like leaving 2013 behind is leaving a part of you behind. It is the year that you were born, born quiet and still. The year we expected you, our second born. The year things were beginning to look up and get better for us. The year that you should have come home. The year that I should have been able to enjoy every moment of you and every second of being your mommy. Now, 2013 will forever be the year that I lost you and every year preceding that will just be another year that I have survived without you. Another year that I will be missing you.  

Most people would look at a new year as a way to start over fresh, to just hope for a better year. They look forward to leaving behind all of the bad things that happened in the past year and think of all of the things they can accomplish in the upcoming year. Even though what happened to you was tragic and I would love to hope for a better year to come, I can't. I'm not ready to leave 2013 behind and start a new year. I'm still stuck. Stuck in that hospital room hearing the doctor tell us that there was no heart beat. I am still grieving you and I know I always will.

The second the ball dropped and the clock struck 12:00 I was so overcome with sadness. I cried. I have no choice but to leave 2013 behind, but I will not leave you behind. I will never leave you behind my sweet, precious baby boy <3

I love you & miss you so much, Bentley Layne. XOXO