I feel like I'm at a standstill and the world and everyone is moving around me. Like everyone has started to let you go and they're moving on with their lives. I can't, I'm stuck here in this black hole and sometimes I feel like it is starting to cave in. I'm not sure how to climb out or if I really even want to. There are times where I like my black hole because it gives me a place to hide...away from everything and everyone. My thoughts are consumed by you. Everything makes me think of you. I can't escape it.
Often I think about how I wish I had taken more photos of you when you were born. More pictures of my growing belly. I wish I had let your big brother see you and hold you. I will never have a picture of the two of you together. My boys, my heart.
Though you never held my finger in your tiny hand, we did know eachother well. It was my heartbeat that lulled you to sleep, my voice that you recognized, my body that kept you warm and nourished. But, it was also my body that failed me. Something went wrong and my body wasn't the safest place for you anymore. I'm so sorry I let you down...I feel like I should've known something was wrong. I should've known you were dying inside of me. God, I just wish I would've known!!
This week has been so hard for me. I feel so raw. I have cried by myself, cried with my husband and son and just when I think I can't cry any more I do...the crying doesn't stop. I would like to say that I am healing, but I think the truth is that I'm just getting good at hiding behind my smile.
Tiffany,
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other well, I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but please know that you and your family are in my family's prayers. I wish that there was something that anyone could do to make this easier for you, but since there is no "fix" I hope you are able to take some comfort in knowing the Bentley will live through your words. Your blog is a great way to honor his life. His life is meaningful. From one mother to another, hugs and prayers. -Amy (Peyton's mom)