Honesty

Some days are easier than others. Some days I just want to cry, I wake up thinking of you and all of the things that I should be doing as your Mother. Then there are days where I wake up and I am okay, I tell myself that I am not going to cry today...sometimes I make it through the day without crying and sometimes I don't. I do have to be honest and say that when I don't cry I do feel guilty. I feel like I may be forgetting you, but I will never forget you. You are my precious baby boy always and forever.

I have searched and searched for a reason as to why this happened, why we lost you. I have 'googled' every possible reason for stillbirth, read every article and watched every video and I have come up with nothing. I have probably drove my doctor crazy with questions, but the not knowing is so hard. I'd like to think that if I knew why that my healing would be easier, but I know that isn't the case. The truth is knowing why you died won't change anything and it won't bring you back.

I feel like so much is expected of me as far as how I am acting and healing, no one gets it. If you haven't dealt with losing a child then you don't understand the emotions and the grieving process that you go through. It's not like losing a friend or even a family member, it hurts so much worse and cuts so much deeper. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Please don't tell me that it should be easier then if we'd lost him at ten years old. I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason and that this is part of God's big plan. I don't want to hear that he is in a better place. Yes, I do have another son, who I love dearly and who has helped me get up every day, but don't tell me that at least I have him. I am lucky to have him, but it doesn't make the fact that my baby is gone any easier. No one can replace what is missing, Bentley is missing and will always be missing. His death left a gaping hole in my heart. Don't think that because it's been a little over a month that I should be okay. I'm not. I struggle each day with my emotions. My heart still aches for my baby. When someone asks me how I am I don't know how to respond...I say that I am okay. Do I tell them I feel broken inside? Do I tell them there is a huge hole in my heart?

I want my baby's name to be spoken. Bentley Layne Giguere did exist! He is and always will be a part of our lives and part of our family. Ayden will always have a little brother and we will always count Bentley as our son. We have two sons now, but one is our angel baby. I want people to ask about him, to want to see pictures of him. Bentley will never be forgotten. We will carry him with us forever. Forever in our hearts.

I am in the process of finding my new okay, my new self, my new normal - so be patient with me.