I think of how much I wanted you...how much we all wanted you. I still feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up. This wasn't supposed to happen, Bentley.
I remember the day I found out that we were going to have you, I was in shock. I think part of me thought since we had been trying for almost a year that we weren't going to have another baby. We didn't have insurance at the time because Daddy had just started a new job and we were so stressed. Eventually everything worked out. My first doctors appointment went well and seeing you for the first time made everything so real. We were having a baby - Ayden was going to be a big brother. The day we found out that we were having another boy, I cried, I knew in my heart all along and I was so happy. I was outnumbered big time now, but I didn't mind one bit.
I worried about everything throughout my pregnancy with you, but why didn't I worry about you the day we lost you? September 29th, the day of your baby shower, I felt miserable but excited. I was one day shy of being 37 weeks pregnant with you and you were going to be born in a week and a half. My baby boy was finally going to be here. Nothing was supposed to go wrong...not when you carry your baby that far along. The day was busy and I came home exhausted. Daddy and big brother were decorating the house for Halloween when I got home. We went through all of your gifts together and couldn't wait for you to arrive, but something went wrong. My body failed me and I failed you. I'm so sorry, Bentley. You never got to come home. Your nursery is so cold and empty. All of your things untouched.
We were getting ready for bed and I started bleeding. I threw a few last minute things into my bag and off we went to the hospital. I was sure that I was going to give birth to you that night. My beautiful baby boy was coming a little early. As I layed in the hospital bed while the nurse tried to find your heartbeat I noticed she was having a hard time, but it was always hard to find your heartbeat, you liked making them work hard. I layed there and layed there for what started to seem like forever and finally she went and got the ER doctor and an ultrasound machine. The doctor began the ultrasound and there you were. I loved seeing you on that screen...only this time as I searched to see your beating heart it wasn't there. He didn't have to say it, I knew you were gone. I remember crying before he even spoke the words....I remember your Daddy's face and him questioning the nurse. Waiting for the perinatologist to come in and do another ultrasound I was numb. Still hoping that he would tell us that you were still alive. He came in started the ultrasound and there you were again, you weren't moving...your heart wasn't beating. I couldn't come to terms with it. This could not be happening. God please don't let this be happening...I want my baby please!! I'll do anything. Bentley you were gone. Gone far too soon.
I was moved to a L&D room where I was told that I would give birth to you. How do you give birth to a baby that you will never bring home or watch grow up? I was so numb...I didn't know how to feel. My doctor came in to deliver you and at 4:42 am on September 30, you were born sleeping. My perfect boy. You were beautiful. I held you and kissed you and prayed that my tears and love for you would bring you back. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to hear you cry, I wanted to give you my life, I would've given my last breath if it would've brought you back. I didn't want to let you go, but Daddy wanted to hold you too. Your Nanny, Papa and both of your Aunts held you too...they all got to see your precious face. I left the hospital with a memory box instead of you.
Your Papa made all of your funeral arrangements. I knew we wouldn't have been able to. We were able to see you one more time before the service. I kissed your head many times and held your tiny hands. The day of your funeral it was like an out of body experience. So many people came to show their love and support.
I miss you so much, Bentley and I think of you every second of every day. I love you and always will. You are forever in my heart.
XOXO, Mommy
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