Fighting with myself

I went into your room on Thursday. I have been fighting with myself for some time, going back and forth as to whether I could handle it. I wasn't sure I was strong enough, but I did it. It was not easy. I opened the door and the cold and emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about how you should be wearing all of the clothes hanging in your closet and how eventually you would have been sleeping in that empty crib. I touched everything in that room and prayed that I would wake up from this horrible nightmare, but once again I was only fooling myself. I felt the need to scream, so I did...so loud it hurt my throat. Then I sat in your floor and cried. You are not here and you never will be and that kills me...it hurts like nothing I have never felt before. I will never understand why this happened. I just don't know what to do anymore. My emotions are so out of control. Am I getting better or worse? I'm not even sure if what I am feeling is normal, I just don't know. My world has crashed down around me. I want my life back, the life where everything was okay. Bentley, I just want you alive. Is that too much to ask?