Empty

I miss you.          
I miss you so bad.

It has been 6 weeks and 2 days since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like I can't breath...it hurts to keep going, to keep living, knowing that you will never get the chance to. My heart aches, it is truly broken. I feel so empty, so numb, so hateful and so sad.

Becoming a Mother is the biggest blessing, the bond starts from the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time is indescribable.  The moment that your baby is born and you hold them for the first time you feel a love that you never knew existed.

Being told that your baby's heartbeat can not be found is like someone ripping your heart out...over and over again. I think even though it was confirmed by two doctors that your heart had stopped I was still holding onto hope that they were wrong, that when I gave birth to you I would hear your sweet cry. I held you right after and prayed for a miracle, that God would bring you back to me, that your heart would start beating again because your Daddy and I loved you so much and wanted you so badly. Your big brother wanted you so much too. He couldn't wait to teach you how to play baseball. All of our hopes and dreams were shattered.

You were 7 pounds 15 ounces of pure perfectness, such a beautiful baby boy. You looked so much like your big brother. I wonder what color your eyes would have been...what would your cry have sounded like...what you would have grown up to be...would you have worried about everything like me or been more easygoing like your Dad. I'll never know. How do I even begin to accept this?!

I just want to hold you. To kiss your baby soft skin again. I would have given my last breath if it meant you could have lived.

I will never be the same person because of this. Nothing will ever be the same because I lost you. A part of me will always be missing. I just can't believe that you are gone. I wish I could bring you back. I would give anything Bentley to bring you back and have you in my arms.