Your 1st Christmas

My Sweet Bentley,

Your big brother woke me up this morning, so excited to see if Santa came and what gifts he had brought. I have to be honest and say that the first thing I thought about was you. How the one thing I wanted from Santa would not be waiting under the tree for me. I bet you know what Mommy hoped for...it was you! Only you. That shouldn't be too much to ask for, right? After all I am your Mommy. Even if it was just for one more day. I would hold you and never let you go. I would tell you that I love you until I was blue in the face.

I think all of the things that you would have experienced on you 1st Christmas. You would be too little to open gifts or enjoy the wrapping paper. so I imagine your sweet eyes mesmerized by all of the lights. I think of all of the people who would have spoiled you this Christmas and all of the hugs and kisses you would've gotten. All of the love you would've felt.

I hope you saw last night, Christmas Eve, all of the people that gathered at your grave to remember you on Christmas. The candles we lit and some of the 'Acts of Kindness' that were done to honor you. It sure let me know that people are thinking of you and remembering you.

I hope that your 1st Christmas in Heaven is as perfect as you are. I miss you my baby and love you so so much!

Merry Christmas

HUGS & KISSES,
Mommy

Absent

I miss Bentley so much. I think of him all of the time. I'm sorry if you're tired of my posts about him...no, I take that back I'm not sorry. He is my son, I have 2. One living and one watching over me from heaven. My heart has been broken since we found out that he wasn't coming home, but with the holidays here I am left with such an aching in my heart. I didn’t think the pain could get worse, but it has, with each passing holiday I think about how we would have spent it with 2 sons.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I would much rather stay in the bed with the covers over my head. Pretend it is just another day. I will get up and try to be excited for Ayden, but he will know that I am sad because his brother isn’t here with us. He will know that it is okay for me to be sad and that if (when) I cry that it is because I am missing Bentley. Ayden will know that I may need to spend some of Christmas alone, so that I can cry and think of Bentley, my perfect boy. I cannot and won’t pretend that Bentley never existed because he did. Even though he never took a breath outside of my womb, he existed, and while some may try and act like he didn’t he will always be part of our family. You don’t have to talk about him, but I am going to talk about him often. I am going to keep his memory alive. FOREVER.

I think about how Christmas is just a few days away and I cringe and my stomach feels like someone is wringing it out like a wet washcloth. I am in no way in the mood to celebrate anything. I think about how happy and thankful I would be if Bentley were here. I would feel complete. Our family would be complete, but it’s not. Our family is lacking someone small, but so special. I find myself wondering if he would have loved staring at the lights on the Christmas tree and watching his brother open presents. He would have been just shy of being 3 months old.

Yesterday, we were at Target, we try to avoid going by the baby aisles, but sometimes we have to and we walked by the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. Oh, how I wish my Bentley was here. It took everything I had to hold it together. Part of me still wanted to buy an outfit, the cute little reindeer booties, or a hat for him and now I wish I would have. Something to hold on to, to remember his first Christmas in heaven. His memory is alive in our home with photos of him and all of the beautiful ornaments that family and friends have given to us and it means the world to me that people are thinking about Bentley. I know that the holidays get crazy and hectic and even so, people are thinking of my sweet boy.

Bentley Layne, Mommy loves you. Everytime I look into the sky and see a star I think of you. Everytime I light a candle it is for you. Everytime I hear a wind chime I think of you. I think of you often. I think of you always. I miss you.

Your Resting Place

The day your headstone finally came in I was just a little happy or maybe relieved that you would finally have a resting area that was fit for a baby that is as special as you are. I came to visit you the afternoon before it was put in and when I pulled up to 'The Garden of Angels' they had already gotten your plot ready (dug up) to put your headstone down. I sat there by your grave and cried...I cried because I thought about how close your body was to me and I actually thought about using my hands to dig you up. I wanted to hold you just one more time.
I woke up the next morning and we got ready to go watch the groundskeeper put your headstone down and decorate it for Christmas. Arriving there I tried to keep myself calm and busy so that my emotions wouldn't get the best of me. Once I saw the tractor coming with your headstone I knew I wasn't going to be able to control my emotions anymore. I cried and for the first time since you have been gone it was tears of happiness and sadness because you had a proper resting place and a beautiful headstone that we cold decorate each month in remembrance of you.
You are so missed my baby and always will be. Mommy loves you, Bentley ~ XOXO

Your 1st Thanksgiving in Heaven

Bentley,

Celebrating thanksgiving without you just doesn't seem right. How can I be thankful when I have so much sadness inside? I should have you in my arms. Today should have been your first thanksgiving. I should've been looking forward to putting you in your thanksgiving outfit and taking family photos. I should be thankful to have a healthy new baby, but instead I had to visit your grave. I always feel so guilty leaving. It just isn't right that you're not here and I miss you so so much. Everything would be okay if you were here. I love you baby boy and I always will. You will forever be in my heart and I will never forget. Happy 1st Thanksgiving, Bentley Layne.

Hugs & Kisses,
Mommy

Fighting with myself

I went into your room on Thursday. I have been fighting with myself for some time, going back and forth as to whether I could handle it. I wasn't sure I was strong enough, but I did it. It was not easy. I opened the door and the cold and emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about how you should be wearing all of the clothes hanging in your closet and how eventually you would have been sleeping in that empty crib. I touched everything in that room and prayed that I would wake up from this horrible nightmare, but once again I was only fooling myself. I felt the need to scream, so I did...so loud it hurt my throat. Then I sat in your floor and cried. You are not here and you never will be and that kills me...it hurts like nothing I have never felt before. I will never understand why this happened. I just don't know what to do anymore. My emotions are so out of control. Am I getting better or worse? I'm not even sure if what I am feeling is normal, I just don't know. My world has crashed down around me. I want my life back, the life where everything was okay. Bentley, I just want you alive. Is that too much to ask?

Dear Bentley

I think of how much I wanted you...how much we all wanted you. I still feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up. This wasn't supposed to happen, Bentley.

I remember the day I found out that we were going to have you, I was in shock. I think part of me thought since we had been trying for almost a year that we weren't going to have another baby. We didn't have insurance at the time because Daddy had just started a new job and we were so stressed. Eventually everything worked out. My first doctors appointment went well and seeing you for the first time made everything so real. We were having a baby - Ayden was going to be a big brother. The day we found out that we were having another boy, I cried, I knew in my heart all along and I was so happy. I was outnumbered big time now, but I didn't mind one bit.

I worried about everything throughout my pregnancy with you, but why didn't I worry about you the day we lost you? September 29th, the day of your baby shower, I felt miserable but excited. I was one day shy of being 37 weeks pregnant with you and you were going to be born in a week and a half. My baby boy was finally going to be here. Nothing was supposed to go wrong...not when you carry your baby that far along. The day was busy and I came home exhausted. Daddy and big brother were decorating the house for Halloween when I got home. We went through all of your gifts together and couldn't wait for you to arrive, but something went wrong. My body failed me and I failed you. I'm so sorry, Bentley. You never got to come home. Your nursery is so cold and empty. All of your things untouched.

We were getting ready for bed and I started bleeding. I threw a few last minute things into my bag and off we went to the hospital. I was sure that I was going to give birth to you that night. My beautiful baby boy was coming a little early. As I layed in the hospital bed while the nurse tried to find your heartbeat I noticed she was having a hard time, but it was always hard to find your heartbeat, you liked making them work hard. I layed there and layed there for what started to seem like forever and finally she went and got the ER doctor and an ultrasound machine. The doctor began the ultrasound and there you were. I loved seeing you on that screen...only this time as I searched to see your beating heart it wasn't there. He didn't have to say it, I knew you were gone. I remember crying before he even spoke the words....I remember your Daddy's face and him questioning the nurse. Waiting for the perinatologist to come in and do another ultrasound I was numb. Still hoping that he would tell us that you were still alive. He came in started the ultrasound and there you were again, you weren't moving...your heart wasn't beating. I couldn't come to terms with it. This could not be happening. God please don't let this be happening...I want my baby please!! I'll do anything. Bentley you were gone. Gone far too soon.

I was moved to a L&D room where I was told that I would give birth to you. How do you give birth to a baby that you will never bring home or watch grow up? I was so numb...I didn't know how to feel. My doctor came in to deliver you and at 4:42 am on September 30, you were born sleeping. My perfect boy. You were beautiful. I held you and kissed you and prayed that my tears and love for you would bring you back. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to hear you cry, I wanted to give you my life, I would've given my last breath if it would've brought you back. I didn't want to let you go, but Daddy wanted to hold you too. Your Nanny, Papa and both of your Aunts held you too...they all got to see your precious face. I left the hospital with a memory box instead of you.

Your Papa made all of your funeral arrangements. I knew we wouldn't have been able to. We were able to see you one more time before the service. I kissed your head many times and held your tiny hands. The day of your funeral it was like an out of body experience. So many people came to show their love and support.

I miss you so much, Bentley and I think of you every second of every day. I love you and always will. You are forever in my heart.

XOXO, Mommy

Black Hole

I feel like I'm at a standstill and the world and everyone is moving around me. Like everyone has started to let you go and they're moving on with their lives. I can't, I'm stuck here in this black hole and sometimes I feel like it is starting to cave in. I'm not sure how to climb out or if I really even want to. There are times where I like my black hole because it gives me a place to hide...away from everything and everyone. My thoughts are consumed by you. Everything makes me think of you. I can't escape it.

Often I think about how I wish I had taken more photos of you when you were born. More pictures of my growing belly. I wish I had let your big brother see you and hold you. I will never have a picture of the two of you together. My boys, my heart.

Though you never held my finger in your tiny hand, we did know eachother well. It was my heartbeat that lulled you to sleep, my voice that you recognized, my body that kept you warm and nourished. But, it was also my body that failed me. Something went wrong and my body wasn't the safest place for you anymore. I'm so sorry I let you down...I feel like I should've known something was wrong. I should've known you were dying inside of me. God, I just wish I would've known!!

This week has been so hard for me. I feel so raw. I have cried by myself, cried with my husband and son and just when I think I can't cry any more I do...the crying doesn't stop. I would like to say that I am healing, but I think the truth is that I'm just getting good at hiding behind my smile.

Honesty

Some days are easier than others. Some days I just want to cry, I wake up thinking of you and all of the things that I should be doing as your Mother. Then there are days where I wake up and I am okay, I tell myself that I am not going to cry today...sometimes I make it through the day without crying and sometimes I don't. I do have to be honest and say that when I don't cry I do feel guilty. I feel like I may be forgetting you, but I will never forget you. You are my precious baby boy always and forever.

I have searched and searched for a reason as to why this happened, why we lost you. I have 'googled' every possible reason for stillbirth, read every article and watched every video and I have come up with nothing. I have probably drove my doctor crazy with questions, but the not knowing is so hard. I'd like to think that if I knew why that my healing would be easier, but I know that isn't the case. The truth is knowing why you died won't change anything and it won't bring you back.

I feel like so much is expected of me as far as how I am acting and healing, no one gets it. If you haven't dealt with losing a child then you don't understand the emotions and the grieving process that you go through. It's not like losing a friend or even a family member, it hurts so much worse and cuts so much deeper. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Please don't tell me that it should be easier then if we'd lost him at ten years old. I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason and that this is part of God's big plan. I don't want to hear that he is in a better place. Yes, I do have another son, who I love dearly and who has helped me get up every day, but don't tell me that at least I have him. I am lucky to have him, but it doesn't make the fact that my baby is gone any easier. No one can replace what is missing, Bentley is missing and will always be missing. His death left a gaping hole in my heart. Don't think that because it's been a little over a month that I should be okay. I'm not. I struggle each day with my emotions. My heart still aches for my baby. When someone asks me how I am I don't know how to respond...I say that I am okay. Do I tell them I feel broken inside? Do I tell them there is a huge hole in my heart?

I want my baby's name to be spoken. Bentley Layne Giguere did exist! He is and always will be a part of our lives and part of our family. Ayden will always have a little brother and we will always count Bentley as our son. We have two sons now, but one is our angel baby. I want people to ask about him, to want to see pictures of him. Bentley will never be forgotten. We will carry him with us forever. Forever in our hearts.

I am in the process of finding my new okay, my new self, my new normal - so be patient with me.  

Empty

I miss you.          
I miss you so bad.

It has been 6 weeks and 2 days since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like I can't breath...it hurts to keep going, to keep living, knowing that you will never get the chance to. My heart aches, it is truly broken. I feel so empty, so numb, so hateful and so sad.

Becoming a Mother is the biggest blessing, the bond starts from the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time is indescribable.  The moment that your baby is born and you hold them for the first time you feel a love that you never knew existed.

Being told that your baby's heartbeat can not be found is like someone ripping your heart out...over and over again. I think even though it was confirmed by two doctors that your heart had stopped I was still holding onto hope that they were wrong, that when I gave birth to you I would hear your sweet cry. I held you right after and prayed for a miracle, that God would bring you back to me, that your heart would start beating again because your Daddy and I loved you so much and wanted you so badly. Your big brother wanted you so much too. He couldn't wait to teach you how to play baseball. All of our hopes and dreams were shattered.

You were 7 pounds 15 ounces of pure perfectness, such a beautiful baby boy. You looked so much like your big brother. I wonder what color your eyes would have been...what would your cry have sounded like...what you would have grown up to be...would you have worried about everything like me or been more easygoing like your Dad. I'll never know. How do I even begin to accept this?!

I just want to hold you. To kiss your baby soft skin again. I would have given my last breath if it meant you could have lived.

I will never be the same person because of this. Nothing will ever be the same because I lost you. A part of me will always be missing. I just can't believe that you are gone. I wish I could bring you back. I would give anything Bentley to bring you back and have you in my arms.